blargh.

first off, i'd like to say that i have lately really been wishing i was in california. i don't know why, i just want to be there. maybe i just want to be anywhere but here, but cali sounds pretty darn good right now.
i'm really sick of viktorija and algiukas being stupid and mean to each other nearly all the time. i mean, i know it's normal for siblings to be annoying, but they're taking it to a bad extreme sometimes and it's just.... argh.
i'm excited that the weather is starting to warm up. that means soon, i'll be able to go sit outside rather than in my stuffy room.

i just finished watching an episode of gossip girl online. and right as it finished, i started thinking about how i have always wanted to be good at something, like really really good at it. and then i was like, well, why don't i just pick something and practice like crazy till i'm good. like, piano, flute, guitar, anything. then i thought... it's kind of hard to be just amazing at one thing when i'm pretty good at a ton of things and don't particularly love any of them. like, everything i can do, i just kind of like it. there's nothing that really jumps out at me as something that i absolutely love doing... other than ice skating of course, but we all know that's never going to happen for me, so i don't even think about it anymore. it's just so hard for me to see people that are good at things and honestly love doing whatever it is they're good at... or even just love doing something so much that they don't care if they stink at it, they're just determined to get as good as they can at it because they love doing it so much. it's just really frustrating. and i don't know how to make it better. it makes me want to cry sometimes.

...at least i have friends now. a real bunch of friends. it's like i've always wanted it, but not quite as exciting. we talk a ton at school, just act goofy, and chill out of school too. it's a bunch of us that just are glued. it's great, but what's going to happen after school's done? are we going to keep in touch?

i have a painting sitting in my room. it's 1/4 done. i haven't touched it in a few months. i know i should finish it, but i just never am motivated enough to get up and just paint.

i have a drawing in my sketchbook that i started when i wasn't feeling too super. it made me feel better, but now it's just sitting there in it's unfinished beauty. i just am not always in the mood to draw.

i have my flute sitting in the corner collecting dust. i like to play when i know it will sound good, but i don't often feel like picking it up and practicing to make it get back to that point if i haven't touched it in a while.

we have a keyboard, but once it gets too hard, i don't really feel like going slow and learning.

i can play guitar... kind of... but once i get to the same point every time, i put it down and say 'enough'.

i like being a graceful ballerina, but that involves money to pay for classes at a studio, and i don't have that.

i like yoga, but only sometimes. it's relaxing.

i like to run, but not really. only because it makes me energized and feel better about myself, even though i can't see any results from my treadmill-ing. i want to be thin. that's my motivation for that. but i don't even think it's working.

i like baking and cooking, but i don't like our kitchen.

i like photography, but i need new subjects. i've been around my yard and back a million times.

i like cutting hair, but school isn't challenging enough for me.

i like looking at photography in magazines and fashion/designer ads like in vogue, but what good does that bring.

i wish there was somewhere i can go right now. i just want to drive. drive far away. go somewhere. do something. be in the sun. see the blue skies. maybe if i drive fast enough to the west i can beat the sunset. don't i wish. maybe if i drive east, i can lose time and waste it wishing. i don't want to be here. but ask me where i'd rather be, and i'm not so sure i'd have an answer for you. why can't i just pack up my cat and my stuff and my andrei [stupid work ruins just about all hope of any fun and spontaneity] and just go. away. somewhere. sunny. with a beach. let's just run away forever.