thanks california.

California. What more can I say. It really is a mish mosh melting pot of everything. People, food, weather, vegetation, terrain, feelings. Being here is really weird. It’s normal now. Probably because it just feels like a giant Orland or Schaumburg no matter where you go here in LA… the South Bay. It’s really honestly nothing special. If you don’t pay attention to the ocean, beaches, mountains, cliffs and coves. It’s overcrowded, has factories all over the place that make it smelly and have bad air. Don’t even think about spending time outside in the valley in the summer… Woodland Hills etc… unless you love humidity mixed with bad smoggy air intensified by the summer heat. I’ve realized my favorite places in the state are Santa Monica and north of it, south of Long Beach, and east… Palm Desert and Palm Springs. I don’t care what you say, the south bay is not all that beautiful. Perhaps it was at one point, but all of the buildings, homes, and people kind of ruin a good thing. I simply cannot wait to go to my beach in Michigan. Fresh water, small town, sunshine, rain, ice cream. Happy. Salt water stings my skin. But I love standing in the waves at night in Malibu, staring out into the ocean, watching the waves form, feeling the water greet me then swiftly retreat and whenever the wave is large enough, the feeling of the ocean water mist on my face is so nice. If only I could live in my dream every evening.

Most days I’ve been working in the leasing office here. Seaport Luxury Condos and Townhouses. Lovely. You’re looking for a new two bedroom condo with no view and no pool priced between 1800 and 2200 or so with a good chance of getting some of the oh so inconvenient tandem parking spots? You’ve found your place. Sure it’s new, it has a Jacuzzi, two barbeque areas, an outdoor lounge, basketball court, paddle tennis court, ping pong table, fitness center, clubhouse and pool table…. But it also has nowhere to hide. Most of the units’ windows face the courtyards or common areas. Some face the neighboring buildings or the field and old navy housing next to us, which, you guessed it, will be a nice huge development with shops and housing within the next few years. At night, you can hear people in the outdoor lounge through my bedroom window. In the day, you can hear people walking around the courtyards and hallways. The only way to hide- is to leave.

So when you leave, the only peaceful road to take is Palos Verdes Drive North. There’s nothing on it but homes and trees and horse trails. I always take it when I need to go somewhere instead of going with my other option- Pacific Coast Highway. PCH is always crowded, always bustling, always annoying. In the south bay area anyway. If you take it far enough, you can get anywhere. If you’re patient, you can make it to Santa Monica and be happy there. Wander the Pier. If you’re even more patient, you can make it to Malibu.

Going to church here is oh so dull. Most of the time I end up spacing out and admiring the colors my ring is making with the lighting in the room. It’s not that it’s dull and repetitive… not obviously anyway. It starts out upbeat and like a concert, then it turns dull when the pastor takes the stage. He’s too caught up it seems in making the sermons relatable to the people in the area, so guess what he talks about a lot… money. Lovely. Give money to the church! Whatever. I guess some people like it there. I just simply can’t wait to go to my church at home again. Where I actually like to listen. Where I want to be part of the choir, help out doing art with the kids. It shall be nice.

Fuse… the ‘post college’ goup Monday nights isn’t much better. Andrei blames it on the growing numbers of the attendees. I don’t think that’s the cause of anything. Fuse is starting to bore me as well. We have lately been finding ourselves going to “fuse” instead of fuse. “fuse” consists of us pretending we’re going to church, but then actually finding something more interesting to do.

I want pizza.

Last week I worked seven days in a row. That was kind of a nightmare.
At least I get to make cookies and get paid for it every week or so. I like cookies. And I can’t make them for Andrei’s family… if I do, they’re pretty much all gone within 24 hours. Never fails. Flavia and Timmy are the sugar monsters. I think they have a radar for it.
Timmy eats all the time. Eats, and watches tv while reading a book. Brilliant. And he complains all the time. And he waddles. He’s kind of embarrassing to be out in public with.. . and I’ve never said that about anyone before.

I don’t know about Flavia. We don’t really talk much. Then when Andrei and I want to hang out with her, she declines because she has work in the morning and doesn’t want to be out too late. Then some nights when she’s out on her own with her friends or whoever she’s with, she comes home at 1 or 1:30 even sometimes and wakes up just fine for work the next morning. Seriously? She’s kind of my source of amusement now. It’s interesting to see how hypocritical she can be and how strange she thinks. I just don’t get it sometimes.

I can’t wait to get home and be with my friends again. With my family again. It’s been too long. I suppose being gone for such a long time is good for everyone. Maybe my friends will start to be more like friends and we’ll actually hang out more often. Maybe I’ll feel like I actually have a life when we get back. Maybe we’ll go out. I think we will. I think things will be better now.

I’m hungry. Pizza sounds really good right now…

We’re getting married February 27, 2010. Crazy, right? I’m glad I’m getting married young. That way I know that I’ve got someone and I just happen to like him a lot, most of the time. He’s my own personal Edward Cullen. And I’m his klutzy Bella Swan. Yes, I’m reading twilight now. You’re welcome for the comparison that makes you wish you were me. I don’t want the wedding to be some huge affair. I just want a simple family party. Of course, it shall be a bit more well planned than the norm, but I do want it to be relaxed and comfortable. And it will be. It’ll be nice to have that over with. Then we can just relax.

I can’t wait to move home. Move out of unit #534. I’ll get to feel free again.

Andrei’s parents and Timmy are going up to their house about 6 or 7 hours north of here on August 11. I can’t wait. I’ll feel temporary freedom. My brain will get a preview of what is to come, of what I’ll be like when my sanity returns in November.

It feels good to feel free and open and happy for more than a few hours at a time. It really really does.

I like being outside when everyone is home. People crowd up the 1, 200 something square foot three bedroom, three bathroom townhouse quite quickly. Commotion and noise soon take over. So I come outside to the rooftop where I can see the sky, hear the birds, the traffic, the occasional person passing by, just the ambient noise of the outdoors in the semi-city. I like to read up here. I like to play Nintendo too.

I got myself a DSi. It’s pretty cool. You should get one too so we could play together one day.
I also got a dslr. A Nikon D60. It’s amazing. I like feeling like I’m getting back into myself. Back into my arts. Photography. Anything. I need to get back into drawing. I have a fresh set of Prismacolor colored pencils just sitting under my bed begging to be sharpened and used. I can’t wait to get home and use the old slr cameras my parents have accumulated. Film photography. I can’t wait to learn darkroom.

Now if only I could get back into ice skating, it would be perfect, but alas, I cannot. My body would not thank me for that down the road. I’ll have to settle for my arts. And baking. And perhaps the occasional ballet class.

When I get home, I’m going to try my hand at working at a salon. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually like it and get amazing and live my childhood dream of doing hair for movies.
Perhaps Megan and I actually will open that bakery we’ve been talking about and be successful and happily bake our days away together. Wouldn’t that be lovely too.

I know I really can do just about anything if I wanted to badly enough. All that leaves me to do is figure out what it is I want to do with myself. Or maybe, just maybe I can have all my dreams come true, just balance them out and keep them in moderation so one doesn’t take over and I one day, sit there, and wonder why I’ve become unhappy. Yes, yes, as cheesy as it sounds, I think I can do whatever I set my mind to. Now if only my mind were as easy to set as a television station.

I wash the dishes a lot.

I wish living here wasn’t such a let down. At least I got what I wanted. I got to live in southern California for a little while. Just ignore that I’m with my fiancé and his family in a unit that isn’t made for 6 grown people and it would be just peachy.

Sometimes I feel uber emo. Sometimes I’m unbearably neutral. Sometimes I’m pleasant. Sometimes I’m fine. Sometimes I’m happy even.

I feel like this chunk of time I’m out here will become a memory that I know existed, but isn’t one that I’ll recall as being particularly unpleasant, or pleasant. It will just be a memory that exists.

If I say I wish we wouldn’t have come here, that would be a lie. If we hadn’t I’d always wonder what if we did live here a bit. I do get the chance to live where I always thought I’d be happier, where I thought it would be better.

We have decided, especially now that we have a timeline set for going back, to make the best of what time we have left here. We’ll try to go out, we’ll go to the places I want to see, we’ll try to make some happy memories of the situation.

I’m glad we’ve got a plan of sorts. Kind of. Even though Andrei may not think so, his plan is more stable and planned than mine is. I’m so up in the air about so many things. I suppose I really will have to just try everything, see what sticks, see what makes me happy, and then figure it out from there. Make it work. What would be the point of waking up in the morning I’d feel like it’s just going to be another wasted day. I don’t wish that on anyone. It’s how I am now. My days off, I sit around and try to stay occupied when I wish I could just sleep it away and wake up when Andrei gets back so we could escape for a while. My days at work, I seem pleasant, but secretly, I wish I could sabotage the building, disconnect the phones, something, so I could just silently sit in the office and do things I would consider productive all day, uninterrupted by people who would like a new place to live, for whatever reason it may be. I’d rather read about photography, draw, read a book, teach myself to play piano… the list can go on and on. But leasing condos? Not really at the top of my to-do list. All I’m doing is helping the owner get even richer by leasing his expensive units. At least he’s good to us and has us go on business meetings out at restaurants, and doesn’t mind when we throw a small birthday party for each other while using the building’s money.

It’s ridiculous how much I miss having a pet. I had a cat here… for under a month. Due to technical difficulties… I had to take him back. I cried so much. That cat was my best friend here. He helped me stay sane and happier than I had been in months. And I had to take him back. They shouldn’t have let me get a cat in the first place if Nancy is allergic. Nancy shouldn’t have said she’d be okay. Apparently, if he was cuter, it would have been easier to ignore his annoying meowing… seriously? I can’t wait to have my Nilla again. To be with my Cocoa… to play and pet the Gilli. I can’t wait for Andrei and me to move out of my parent’s place eventually and get a dog of our own. Never in my life did I expect that not having a pet would affect me this much. It’s almost insane. if I tried I could probably get a doctor’s note saying I need a dog for my mental stability. It’s just so hard to be here.

I love spending time with Andrei out of here or at night after everyone’s gone to sleep. We drive around aimlessly, usually ending up at one fast food place or another… you’d be surprised at how few 24 hr places there are here. At night, lately, we’ve been playing Bust a Move on the Nintendo emulator Andrei found for PC. He got a small computer from work they were going to toss, fixed it up, and now it’s our makeshift game system. We even bought two controllers for it. It’s great.

I feel like I live in a hotel. People always around, plenty of conversations to overhear… plenty of people to watch. Courtyards that are green, but not very inviting, concrete everywhere, elevators and elevator lobbies, common areas, amenities… how strange would it be to live like this all your life. If you never knew what it’s like to live in real house. Can you imagine? It’ll be interesting to have my own house. It’ll be weird. We’ll make it nice. We’ll make it comfortable. And clean. And inviting. We’ll make it… home.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I hadn’t met Andrei. If we weren’t engaged. I’m betting it would be quite dull and monotonous. Whenever I start wondering, I stop soon after… when I realize I’m happy. We’re happy. As long as we get to be free. Then we are truly content. When we have restrictions on who we can be, clearly we’re not pleasant. Things can get downright hostile almost. Then we escape, think about it, talk about it, and realize how things used to be… how things will be in a few months. How we just can’t wait. We have something to look forward to.

Thanks California. For the experience. But I’d rather not get sucked into your busy, stressful bubble. I like my life more relaxing and down to earth thank-you-very-much.

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