skate.

so, i come to bring myself... once again to wish that my mom had not let me quit skating that first time when i was 4. if only she had made me stick it out, i could have been good. too late for that though...... i wish it was either that, or ballet. i just wish i would have started at something very early on and had become amazing at it, so i could be amazing at something now... rather than just being ok at a tom of random anything stuff. i can name off a lot a lot of things i am good at, many think that i like doing everything that i'm good at, but really, i dont. i just do some stuff because i can. i like being good at what i do, thats how i am... but only a very few that i ACTUALLY truely, honestly like to do. skating being at the top of that list, and i wish that i had only stuck it out, not been scared of trying anything harder, that could have been MY one thing. i may be alright skating... especially compared to most people... but not quite good enough. (thats why i was at the rink almost every day when i worked there. i wanted to get better... i liked trying my hardest, even if it meant a few bruises... i even went when i was sick, just to get some ice time in... stupid rink. if my job wouldnt have been so rediculously boring and lonely and so stinking far from home, i would still be there...BUT it was so boring and lonely and just too far of a drive).... if only, if only, but its much too late.

i watched the ladies and mens nationals free skate/ long program today. after watching the ladies, i was ok. but then i just finished watching mens... and now i want to skate again. for the first time in a month i miss it. thats actually the longest ive gone not wanting to skate since maybe 5th grade. yes, dancing is great and, in my opinion, much easier... but i will always love to skate so much more. always. i still do want to be able to do a double jump. i always will. perhaps one day i will learn... you never know.

maybe if i got a job... again..... i could get a coach and start to skate again? this past skating stretch was my best ever... jumps were strong, and solid... and even my spins were on the verge of good. i got the evil sit spin a few times and i taught myself the scratch spin which is so fun and the camel spin and even tried the layback. i know i can do it. i just have to actually find a way to do so. i dont really know how i can right now, but i really want to. i want to compete. for a while i thought to myself- you dont have to compete, it doesnt get you anywhere, you dont have to prove anything to anyone, just go around everyday and be the best at the everyday that you can be.... but you know, i like competing, i find it fun and i miss it. thats why i tried horseback riding for a while there... i wanted to compete... in something, anything... dancing is more show, a recital type of thing... its fun, but just not the same... i like how in skating, its all you. nobody else to rely on, nobody else there to work with, to coordinate with. its all you. thats how i am. i like doing stuff for myself, thats how skating is.

i dont really care so much that it hurts to fall, just get back up, ignore it, keep going. rest later. for now, i want to skate.

if it doesnt work out,( for skating is rediculously expensive, but if i want it enough and actually bring myself up to actually getting a job, perhaps it can happen?) i can dance... its like skating but on land, and with others to coordinate with. it can do i guess, but i want to skate. i could just say i dont care, but that would be a lie.

that is all.
goodnight.

<3