well, i would write more often, but i only do at night or when nobody is home because, well, i don't want my family knowing i have a blog. they make fun of blogs and people who do write in them... i personally don't like spilling out what i'm thinking, but i suppose if i only tell those who i can, well i guess trust with my thoughts, that this blog of mine exists, i'm alright. oh, and the family- they shouldn't know because they spend enough of their time laughing at me or as they would say 'with me'... they don't need another thing to add to their list. I guess i would laugh at myself too if i wasn't me... but i am who i am and i find it more fun that way and lucky for my family i am that way- the house would be very dull otherwise.
anyway, so i just read rachel's blog about wishing she had that one close friend that everyone seems to have and decided to write my own. same topic. slightly different wording and view. it may seem like rambling, but for once i'm going to get it out. if not into spoken words, than it shall be in typed words.
well, i too wish i had that one 'best friend' i've always wanted that. that one person you could go to no matter what is going on- for either one of you. even if the other is busy, they'd pretty much drop everything to be there for you. (one example, well a bad one, but one nonetheless, is after i went to quit choir at the start of this year. i thought i'd be ok, i saw rich on the way there but had a bad attitude and a bad feeling about it, he said it'd be ok and gave me a hug... sure ok... then i go in to talk to him. geez, that music director at lewis is horrible. he has this way of talking to you. same as my step uncle ed. its horrible. just horrednous. anyway, so i went back to the dorm where i hang out all the time just to go somewhere- to a base, you know? i needed to talk to someone, so for some unknown reason, i called rich. why? reflex. too much time spent with the kid. i know i sounded very upset. i kept saying i hate everything and i quit everything. something like that. he said he'd call after he has lunch with his friends. who does that? i would have dropped whatever i was doing to see the person. even if we werent super close. right? so, then i went up to maggie's room as per usual. i just sat in 'my corner' of her room and after a bit, called my mom and cried and talked it thru to her while maggie just sat there doing her homework or something. who knows. its maggie. anyway, rich never got back to me. i later found out that he did try to call, but it kept going straight to voicemail or something- just not working. and yes, i do believe him. we both know that our phones for some reason just do not like each other. theyre cursed. i promise. anyway, if iw as him though, i would have found me to see what was up. he knew where to find me. at the time i was almost always in maggies room. i was in the maggie 24/7 stage of lewis. anyway, i just had to get that story out. enough. there are so many more stories about that kid. just not worth it right now. more important things to do...) anyway, back to the friend thing. i have always wanted that, yet always been in a larger group... various ones depending on the school and the year. within the group i always felt like the leftover. everyone else within was closer and i was just kind of... there. in kindergarten though, i do believe i had a lot of friends. i remember reccess was good. in haines i always floated between the 'popular kids' and the other in between group. i would either play with the girls and such on the map or go play tag. i preferred tag. at oakview, i started out floating between the same 2 groups, but towards the end totally switching to a group with laura patterson and such. we would either stand around and talk during recess- the bunch of us- or find any possible way to stay in from recess and help the teacher with stuff in the classroom. anything to keep from going outside. martino i had two groups too kind of. laura and her friends at lunch- 8th grade anyway. 7th grade i ate with just me and megan and lindsay, maybe one other person. we had a whole chunk of table, usually even 2 tables to ourselves. meg and i got really close, then high school happened and she never went to school anymore, so i think we kind of grew apart. i dont think i really had friends in high school until senior year. i saw everyone as kind of aquaintances. courtney from gym class and then sandy, rachel, and rachel. i really need to call courtney. soon. we promised to keep in touch. at lewis... hmmm... well i started out thinking i'd be best friends with maggie, but then she met marina and marina and i became friends more so than those two and maggie has become annoying and now marina and ashley and i try to avoid her. mean, yes, very much so. marina and i got very close very quickly. which is great... but. she has her one best friend. she has lauren. i cant replace her. never ever. so. thats how it is. oh and all through lwc every year i was in study hall with nick. every year. we eventually became very good friends. but towards the end of the four years, i began to see a trend with what i was doing with him and now realize i'm doing this a little with marina, but much worse and more obviously with nick... as soon as i start to get close and we talk a lot about everything and hang out and stuff, i start to in a way excommunicate them, cut them slowly out of my life. again, this isn't so bad with marina, but i feel it a little bit. its sad, but true. and i dont know why. just them so far though. luckily. although, nick has fallen off the face of the earth. i havent talked to him since mid summer. we had planned on playing tennis before school. what happened to him? so strange. anyway, so back to the point- i just wish i had that one best friend of sorts. close, but not quite. it is good to know that i have a small bunch of people that are good friends though. goodness, at least i'm not like those people that are friends with a million different people, but just barely enough to have meaningless conversations with them. i would much rather have just a few close friends and thats it than a million kind of friends. but sometimes, i wish i could know what its like to have that million friends... but even they seem to have one person to fall back on. i guess thats what i would expect to find in a boyfriend- to have someone to go to that is just there. but they are just temoprary. even that i dont really want... we'd just break up. thats how everyone else ends up, dont they? i guess thats good then that im boyfriend-less, hmm? id just have that mentality that its temporary, we'd just break up in the end anyway, so what's the point? goodness, how i'd wish that could change. it will one day i'm sure of it. just not anytime soon i guess.
oh, so the christmas party was great, as i had mentioned. SO FUN. even though pretty much less than half the people came, it was nice. the white elephant-ish game was kind of lame, but oh well. i had a nice time and i think, i hope everyone else did as well.
shopping with rachel was fabulous. haha. we spent what, five or six hours in orland, most of which were at the mall. goodness, we were so so so tired at the end of the day, yet somehow managed to make cell phone charms.. or as i call them cell phone earrings... and watch freaky friday... and play donkey konga. very good day. yes, yes it was.
those two days were the best in a long while.
so tomorrow i suppose i'm calling the manager at buckle to see if he's still up for setting up an interview for me. he said theyd be hiring after the first... and well, tomorrow is the second. i need something to do. so i suppose a job would be a productive waste of time, hmm? i wish money wasn't necessary. its so silly when you think about it. trading paper or chunks of metal in return for various goods and services? or even better- an invisible money as used by checks or swiping a credit or debit card. the concept is so amusing. why cant we just have what we want? have a job for fun, to pass the time, to make a difference by choice, not the necessity to get money in return?
i think i'll order myself a bracelet - one of those bright orange ones that say 11:11 am on them that support children's leukemia. also, id really like to start to seriously only buy makeup that is not tested on animals. if im going to use makeup, might as well.
i dont know... but does just one extra person caring make a difference? sure, eveyone always says, almost clone-like, you can make a difference. yeah, sure. alone?
i like clothes. i like dresses and shoes and skirts and shirts and purses and shoes... oh and sunglasses! but why must everyone desire the expensive designer stuff? although, i must andmit, i refuse to buy target shoes for two reasons. one- they usually do not fit. and two- i refuse to even try on the ones that i can recognize as imitations of the more expensive, better quality shoes such as steve madden. steve madden shoes are amazing... and i can totally pick out which target shoes are imitations. no offense to target though, it is a good store. i wish i's shop there more often. that and kohls. i wish i'd shop there more too- you can get some great deals on cute stuff sometimes. although, looking through, i can see what is worth it, what is comprably priced to stuff at the mall or old navy at a better quality, so often times i walk out empty handed. the ONLY place i can buy jeans is at buckle. its the only place i've found where they fit. theyre expensive, but if it fits and its cute, may as well just hold your breath and buy it. oh, but totally within reason. no way am i spending more than $60 or $70 on a pair of jeans, $20 on a shirt, $60 on a hoodie or $40 on a sweater or $30 on a purse. any more is just rediculous and most of the time i get stuff for much less. i don't buy stuff for full price very often. i have to really like it to do so, and even so i really consider if i really really want it.
anyway, enough about my... shopping habits... ummmm.... oh, goodness do i not want classes to start again. i. do. not. like. lewis. i still have to switch up writing for french...
and i am so excited to be visiting wartburg. it sounds like such a nice place. i just hope i like it in reality as much as i want to like it. i am so glad that rachel is genuinely happy about me seriously considering going there. *if* i do go there i wouldnt want to feel like im jumping in to her world and what not, but that wouldnt happen... i don't think anyway. i just have to visit before i make up my mind about anything. before i get too excited. before i get my hopes up. before... just the sooner the better. i dont really know where else to go though. my cousin laura's school sounds nice, but they dont have as many activities- organization wise... and they dont have jewelry/ metals class. i love making jewelry. that was my absolute favorite class last year. well, we shall see. thats all i can say.
i really must start getting to sleep earlier... sleeping until my phone alarm goes off at eleven a.m. is kind of absurd. a waste of a morning. a waste of daylight.
what kind of winter is this? it should be high 40's low 50's all week... whats up with that? i want snow!
oh, yoga is great. i love the new dvd. i the joy of yoga part is ok... i have to get used to it i think... the fat burning part of it is so great though. i did that today and i like it. ha. its the fat burning one but whatever, i like it, its more fun i guess. yoga is good. quiet, relaxing, yet energizing. i've been doing it everyday lately and plan on continuing to try to do so... butnot so sure how i will once i go off to school next year. perhaps i can have a club of some sort that would meet at like 6 am or sometime random in the afternoon after classes to do yoga everyday. mornings would be better... like i said- relazing, yet energizing. perfect to start the day. id love to be doing yoga right when i wake up now, but im just so tired waking up to an alarm... and so late in the morning at that.
so, that being said, i shall go to bed now. finally. after an hour or so of typing. it's 1:24am
heres more of hey there delilah.... love this song... so much.
"Don't you worry about the distance/I'm right there if you get lonely/Give this song another listen/Close your eyes/Listen to my voice it's my disguise/I'm by your side" : Hey There Delilah : Plain White T's
<3
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