sleep?

ok yes, so i know i said i'd go to sleep, but i guess myspace and facebook are procrastination tools for sleep too. sad, i know, but anyway... well.... oh rachel.... that is all.

i think part of the reason i cant relate SO well is that i feel so emotionless most of the time. stuff happens all the time. good, bad, funny, gross, weird, awkward... what not, yet i remain unchanged. i think that may be why i am so "psycho" sometimes. i add some interest and life into what would otherwise be a vey boring person. i am so trying to change that, but its not so easy to just wake up one day and say, hey, im going to be more emotional. nope. wont happen. major stuff can happen, yet i just move on. i guess that can be good, for the sense that nothing affects me very much and i can just go about my day not worrying about anything. that is why i am never 'stressed' about anything. that is why i have such a do whatever you want, have some fun, spend the extra bit of money, take a chance attitude. may as well, since it wont really affect my feelings. very rarely will you find me honestly upset... and if you do, it doesnt last very long. very rarely will you find me fully very excited or happy. usually im in my happy middle. perky, awaky, happy, calm, whatnot. i guess you just have to really know me and be around me. a lot. to really pick up and understand what i'm trying to say. honestly though, i dont think this is a very good thing, no matter how nice it sounds to have such a relaxed, stress free life. it just cant be good.
although, i do think everything through before i do anything, very rarely do i take a chance.
at least im not crazy and will just do *anything* just because i feel like it.

i think its partially because i always am sitting at home, dont nothing. my normal day consists of eating, yoga, tv, eating, and not too much else. over the summer, throw in some basketball- alone- and some reading... just so i would get outside in the sun. i love the sun.

i dont like the city. its ok to visit, but i dont think i could live there. its gray and smelly and dirty... but there is quite a lot to do.

i would much prefer to live in a small town. one that is established and cute and friendly. i want to be a teacher in a small school. preferably by the beach. i was hoping to go up to michigan in the area where my uncle lives, but on christmas eve i learned that theyre building the second largest casino in the country in that very area. i dont want that, so i will just have to settle for somewhere else. i suppose.

honeslty though, i could deal with living in the city as long as i have a good view, lots of windows, a nice apartment/ house, a good job, and friends. i am just worried that after im done with school i will have no friends. everyone's going to get all split up and move wherever. then you start all over. again. i dont know how to make friends. thats why i need school. with people i can get along with. it is so important to me to at least have friends now, while its easy to make them and keep in touch.

ok, seriously, its late...well... early? 2 am. i need sleep. and tonight i have pretty much written about SO MUCH that i never thought or expected to put in a blog. i feel like im sharing my feelings too much. i feel like i should just stop. but why should i? isnt that the only way to get yourself out there and have friends that understand? you know? you kind of have to put out your feelings... be vulnerable, in a way, to really get anywhere. and although, right now, only 2 people know about this blog... (whoo...) and i think only one of them really reads it, i think. i think this is good, for when i find someone else to read this all and they truely care to read. everything i have written and have to say. it would be good.
so yeah, im so done right now..... i *really* need sleep

<3